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A No Name Beer Experience

By: James Dallimore

Loblaws has unleashed its new No Name feature: Beer. The LCBO’s website talks a big game for it stating: “Brewed in Ontario using the highest quality ingredients, this characteristically Canadian-style lager delivers a crisp finish that makes it easy to drink with no aftertaste. Pairs very well with all types of foods; try it with appetizers, pizza, creamy pasta, burgers or grilled steaks.” The shelf price is $10.45 for six bottles at 5% alcohol, $2.05 less than Molson Canadian, and $2.80 less than Miller Genuine Draft, for comparison. So far so good, it’s significantly cheaper than what the average Joe is usually going for, but what about the actual taste?

I’m going to cut to the chase and say that this beer is very mediocre. The recommendation of pairing it with pizza, burgers, or steak is pretty pointless as I did try it with homemade pizza and found it far too light to be a proper pairing for any meal. As of writing this, I cannot really remember what it even tastes like, which is bad for what the LCBO claims. However, I think everyone is well aware of the true purpose of this beer. Much like Cool Beer, the sole motivation to drink this beverage is get pretty silly quickly, for the least amount of money.

My second experience with this beer came this past weekend when I took the remaining five bottles I had from the one I paired with my pizza to Toronto. As stated earlier, this beer is very light, perfect for downing as fast as your gullet will allow. I reached my friend’s apartment as was immediately told we only had one hour to reach the agreed upon rendezvous with the rest of our crew. Having the young iron liver that I do, I immediately cracked one of my long necks and commenced sipping. After about ten minutes two bottles were already finished. After twenty, the remaining three bottles were gone. Normally, five beers in twenty minutes would have me doubled over a toilet, but not with No Name- wow I think I just came up with their slogan.

It’s 5/10 due to the fact that this is not the beer I come home and crack open after a long day of work, nor is it the beer I sip with dinner or on the beach. Its saving grace is that we (alcoholics?) have the distinct pleasure of becoming plastered for significantly less than the competitor. I must salute Loblaws for this. Another great perk is that this (un)forgettable lager is going to be a dollar a beer on government long weekends, see you on May 24!

I’m not exactly sure how to cap this off… Drink responsibly?

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